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Using sex to connect to others
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007 Game Offline
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Post: #1
Using sex to connect to others
I've written before that we're all probably disordered.

The connection between chasing girls and sex / a disorder - is that most people here are probably unable to relate to people / connect with them emotionally in a strong enough way that they use sex as a short cut.

Sex connects you instantly to another person, even if you don't speak a single word. It can be beautiful and fulfilling in it's on right but this cannot / should not come as a replacement to other types of connections.

If you're using sex to connect to others (and yourself) it's like using alcohol for confidence, it's just a replacement that can never actually replace real relational connections to others.

We're social creatures and bonding with others is essential to our being but if you concentrate on only one form of boding (sexual) you're cutting yourself from everything else.

Other forms of escape from real connection are long distant relationships, friends with benefits and all that, it's a place to escape real intimacy with another person.

My Borderline ex is jumping from one long distant relationship to another her whole life, she's 32. Then on the side she fucks everybody else to bond to others using sex.

It's obvious to me that I'm slowly withdrawing from this lifestyle. The question is what's the alternative.

No, I didn't change my mind about monogamy, it's still a lie.

(I just asked the girl next to me if the guy who just left the table is her boyfriend. She said yes)

But there must be a healthy alternative to this monogamy bullshit, while still being able to find a "life partner", somehow you can grow old with and bla bla bla all that "crap" which does makes sense on many different levels, from financial reasons, to starting a family, and better use of your time.

I'll try to write down how this relationship would look like at some point soon. I'm still working on it but the basis is probably going to be mutual sexual adventures with swinging etc under certain rules that keep the package from falling apart.





(This post was last modified: 01-03-2016, 11:43 PM by 007 Game.)
01-03-2016, 11:07 PM
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007 Game Offline
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Post: #2
RE: Using sex to connect to others
A sub issue here is that we all want "passionate" "interesting" "special" "out of the ordinary" partners. The problem is that most times than not, such people will be those things BECAUSE of mental issues that make them unstable and more prone for greater need for stimulation, risk taking, sexual promiscuity, drug use, instability etc. Those things that make these people interesting are indicative of "problems under the hood", usually the result of childhood trauma, abuse, lack of bonding with parents etc.

In other words finding a partner who is also very open minded, adventurous, risk taking etc out of CURIOSITY and a healthy need to push boundaries and explore (rather than seek to inflict pain, inability to enjoy life otherwise etc) is very hard if not impossible.







(This post was last modified: 01-04-2016, 12:17 AM by 007 Game.)
01-04-2016, 12:14 AM
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fucksong Offline
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Post: #3
RE: Using sex to connect to others
I got you. I just read this a few days ago and he also has a book on setting up open marriages:

http://www.haveopenrelationships.com/

What I'm being inspired by now is having several open loving relationships but the key in my opinion to managing all this is to truly have a passion in your life so that we're not dependent on women for good emotions
Kaizen (Continuous Improvement) My personal journey of improving myself as a man and finding happiness

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01-06-2016, 03:48 PM
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SpecialEd Offline
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Post: #4
RE: Using sex to connect to others
(01-06-2016, 10:09 PM)calamansi Wrote: I don't know man. I just like sex with a variety of women. Why does it have to be a disorder?

There's nothing wrong with it. It's a biological imperative.

007 is just talking about his own issues...

Sex is merely an enhancer in bonding relationships. If there's no "connection" there to begin with, it will probably be an ONS never to be repeated.
01-07-2016, 03:40 AM
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007 Game Offline
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Post: #5
RE: Using sex to connect to others
Well basically what many people do is replace other forms of bonding with just sex. For years me and others here but especially people who travel and do lots of ONS use sex as their main form of connection with other people. Not very healthy.
01-07-2016, 04:48 AM
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Rick91 Offline
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Post: #6
RE: Using sex to connect to others
I don't think its that big a deal.

Your problem is you became infatuated with a cunt. And due to the struggle to obtain her and the massive spikes jealosy and ecstasy most normal girls will seem bland as fuck.

I imagine there is no struggle with making them yours after fucking them and as much as you hated parts of that process it's a lot harder to build up such strong emotions in such a short time without going through it.

Also most girls are bland as fuck. I guess looking for girls who are harder to bang may have the qualities which your last serious girl lacked. And aiming for the bang so quickly will likely push them away.

Will be interesting to see what's happens if you take this approach.
01-07-2016, 06:36 AM
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SpecialEd Offline
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Post: #7
RE: Using sex to connect to others
(01-07-2016, 04:48 AM)007 Game Wrote: Well basically what many people do is replace other forms of bonding with just sex. For years me and others here but especially people who travel and do lots of ONS use sex as their main form of connection with other people. Not very healthy.

"Many people..."

Stop projecting your personal issues on the rest of us. It's YOUR problem.

Admit that, and you'll be on the fast-track to fixing it...

My guess is you actually get too emotionally involved and clingy with your flings. It's this emotional fragility that made you so volatile in the politics threads.

Having control of one's emotions is what separates men from women. Stop being a whiny bitch. (And that's not being mean-spirited...just frank).
01-07-2016, 08:37 AM
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Shanked Offline
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Post: #8
RE: Using sex to connect to others
It depends if you can be connected to the girl also after sex. Im not narcissistic so yes i can and i dont think its good to generalise that everyone on this forum has the same problems as you. Also im not against monogamy if i like the girl. Needing a different pussy constantly usually stems from the person being afraid of commitment and/or being ego driven. Once i find a girl i like im happy.
(This post was last modified: 01-07-2016, 09:42 AM by Shanked.)
01-07-2016, 09:36 AM
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007 Game Offline
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Post: #9
RE: Using sex to connect to others
The disorder would be to not admit that you want sex with many partners, cheat, lie, jump from one relationship to another, not control your emotions, hurt others in the process etc etc etc.... and in the process not create meaningful relationships because you're too busy chasing sex with casual partners. Having lots of sex is natural and healthy but so is having 1 or few deeper relationships in your life. And when you go around chasing pussy, you end up with no "deeper" relationships. It's all surface.
01-07-2016, 08:35 PM
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fucksong Offline
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Post: #10
RE: Using sex to connect to others
EDIT: I wrote a bunch of stuff below as i was freeflowing to get to this main point. Sex is important in connecting to a girl. Think about tantra and how it can make you a lot closer to a person. Yes if youre banging in a club bathroom, might not seem as spiritual ( although id argue that both you and the girl have a free energy that you can enjoy a mutual adventure) but nothing wrong with using sex as a communication tool. Shit , recently i admit, that when ive been in the mood to fuck and she hasnt, ive felt unloved. When i wanna cum but am holding out til a girl cums, im communicating that i care for her feelings. Sex is very effective communication tool.

i have two girlfriends who i love and who know about each other, one of which who has a boyfriend and there have been a few times ive felt lonely. At first i thought it was because one of them wasnt freaky enough, then the next time because i didnt feel like i was a priority (gay sounding i know) but it stemmed from not being fully satisfied with other areas in my life and being 110% inspired in the other activities going on. There was a great opinion joe rogan shared in his interview with wim hof the ice man where he said that the reason people will look forward to eating a fucking donut at lunch is because theyre battling traffic, working a shitty job, have bills so that donut is one of their few rewards that gives them that dopamine hit. you could make the argument that for many of us here, banging chicks is our donut, or at least it was for me. just the action of going up to chat a cute girl provides a dopamine hit which isnt bad per se so long as you can still be happy without it. or as i type this, for me maybe feeling loved also provides that dopamine hit. theres a lot of subject matter in this thread that overlaps because i also agree with what rick said that banging is an effective way of connecting with a girl that you might not achieve (as quickly) if you were just to hang doing coffee dates, or whos to say that if you dont bang quickly, might get put in friend zone.

i didnt realize that jj had recommended telling a girl several weeks after banging a girl that he couldnt be exclusive. i agree with calamansi that that isnt honest. effective yes but not honest. i dont want to change my core self just to be effective. short term vs long term. As i also noted above, ive been reading a lot of blackdragons stuff on open relationships and his thoughts resonated with me as he is honest and fair with practcal tips (only see girls once a week and make them cum) but the main part that didnt was that you can only have one girl you really love. something ive come to accept about myself is that i can genuinely love multiple women but im finding that my current gal is extremely jealous of that fact. women are actually cool with their men fucking around as long as theyre the queen bee that you love but ive yet to fibd a resource that gives practical tips on when you love several women. im checking out more of johnny sopornos stuff so will report back.

actually getting back to 007 OP, nothing wrong with using sex to connect with a girl so long as you can connect with her on other things. shit, just asking a girl what her dreams and goals are and being supportive and non judgmental is all you need to do.
Kaizen (Continuous Improvement) My personal journey of improving myself as a man and finding happiness

https://kaizenmanofsteel.wordpress.com
(This post was last modified: 01-08-2016, 02:15 AM by fucksong.)
01-08-2016, 02:05 AM
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007 Game Offline
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Post: #11
RE: Using sex to connect to others
What JJ said is NOT a "grace period". Once a girl is sleeping with you for more than 2-3 times, she's already starting to bond and will "accept your frame", which is cool but it's taking advantage of her emotional state of already sleeping with you / bonding with you. I talk about open relationships before I sleep with girls, I want them to make the decision of sleeping with me or not before they've slept with me and are "hooked in" and invested in me.

That's radical honesty. Take it or leave it.

When you're less than "very" attractive (looks + the rest) of course people need to cut corners to get laid. I did this before and maybe one day when I'm old and ugly I'll have to resort to it but I hope not and I'll probably hate myself for it. People don't do what they believe in, they do what is convenient for them, each with his own lies and self deception.

No doubt sleeping around doesn't mean you're crazy or disordered. The question is - are you capable of real intimacy or not.

If not, that's cool too, but in the long run you might find yourself unhappy, and your issues might be the result of poor emotional development.
(This post was last modified: 01-08-2016, 06:22 AM by 007 Game.)
01-08-2016, 06:22 AM
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fucksong Offline
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Post: #12
RE: Using sex to connect to others
Wow damn, this thread is really important for my life right now. Before I get into it, which thread are you guys referring to where JJ mentioned the grace period?

Okay so here's my deal and I'd be curious to see how you guys would handle it. A few months back, I met this girl who looked just like my fave porn star, only this girl is a lot more conservative and actively looking to get married as she knows her looks won't last forever. She's hit on constantly, constantly given gifts and many dinners paid for by orbiters. After a few weeks, BEFORE we slept with each other but on same day we first made out and I fingered her, directly after, I told her I had a gf. She suddenly started tearing up and got upset but a few minutes later, composed herself and put on the most fakest smile saying she was okay with it. We have continued to hang out but that's when she hung out with some other dude for a few days but apparently this dude also had a girlfriend but difference is she knows I told my other gf about her so have the cred of being honest and upfront while this other dude most likely kept it a secret from gf and she stopped hanging out with him. Have no idea if they ever hooked up but my guess is at most, they kissed as she even made me wait. Bottom line point is she's in this relationship with me where she knows my situation and has accepted it but based on your guy's definitions, I might possibly have taken advantage of her emotional state? But here's where things got interesting, this last weekend, she got sneaky on me and said she wanted to watch porn on my iPhone to which I happily accepted and then all of a sudden she asked if I could cook something real quick for her. When I returned her eyes were in tears as she had gone thru my texts, whatsup texts, photos, like a full on NSA swoop. So she saw some panty pics my gf had sent to me last year, some texts I had sent to my ex (innocent ones) and even tripped hardcore on some calls to one of my homies who I proved to her was a dude but the fact is, she obviously was hurt. She then asked if I ever thought of marrying her to which I didn't answer and she cried some more. Now when I've tried sleeping with her, she's just not in the mood despite is still kissing and holding hands. But the general vibe is she doesn't want to get sexual anymore which you could argue fuck it, just break up but then if it's an open relationship, you never really break up with anyone. You just don't hang out. But this has been a great experience because it really has forced me to understand what sex represents to me, how my other areas of life represent to me (example: this morning I was in a great mood, so much so that sex wasn't even a big deal but one phone call with a client who yelled at me bummed the fuck out of me and guess what? I wanted to fuck to give me those good emotions and if my gal didn't put out, I could possibly become needy or be a dick to her)

I don't know the answers man. Us men could also agree not to "take advantage" of these girls but how do we know that this is actually what girls want? I can think of a few situations where from a guys perspective, a boyfriend did something that was well intentioned for a gf but the girl interpreted it completely differently and either it was strange, beta weak or just not appreciated. Ultimately, I think, whatever action we do should come from both a place of confidence, non-neediness and compassion as girls are intuitive so will feel that energy.
Kaizen (Continuous Improvement) My personal journey of improving myself as a man and finding happiness

https://kaizenmanofsteel.wordpress.com
01-08-2016, 04:07 PM
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007 Game Offline
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Post: #13
RE: Using sex to connect to others
Looks DO NOT MATTER. Woman see who you are from a mile before you even open your mouth, and when you do open your mouth, what you say and HOW you say it is 1000 times more important than your looks. They see / feel / hear how confident you are, how intelligent you are, on what level of emotional development you are.

Take out looks out of it. Millions of ugly short guys get laid all the time and attract stunners all the time while model looking guys and go virgin till their 20s or later.

(This post was last modified: 01-08-2016, 06:43 PM by 007 Game.)
01-08-2016, 06:43 PM
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Astraeos Offline
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RE: Using sex to connect to others
(01-08-2016, 06:43 PM)007 Game Wrote: Looks DO NOT MATTER. Woman see who you are from a mile before you even open your mouth, and when you do open your mouth, what you say and HOW you say it is 1000 times more important than your looks. They see / feel / hear how confident you are, how intelligent you are, on what level of emotional development you are.

Take out looks out of it. Millions of ugly short guys get laid all the time and attract stunners all the time while model looking guys and go virgin till their 20s or later.



What about online game?

More and more people are using online game almost exclusively.
Personaly, I try to do social circle or daygame but its hard to beat the convenience of online. Its just much easier to meet the quieter and more introverted girls that way. These girls would otherwise be uncomfortable in most daygame approaches and they rarely if ever go to any big social events.

Looks OR a cool photo showing you doing something interesting are pretty important for online...plus being able to have a normal conversation.
(This post was last modified: 01-08-2016, 08:36 PM by Astraeos.)
01-08-2016, 08:34 PM
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Shanked Offline
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Post: #15
RE: Using sex to connect to others
I would agree looks dont matter in europe. Everywhere else its very important because there are just so many stupid people who cant carry a conversation.
01-09-2016, 03:27 AM
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