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Successful but still have Approach Anxiety
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kspaceman Offline
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Successful but still have Approach Anxiety
Guys,

I wanted to write this to give others with the same problem some perspective, but also to get some practical advice. I also think putting this stuff down on paper will help me think it through better.

BACKGROUND
I've never been an incredibly outgoing person (borderline ENTP/INTP). I grew up in a Muslim country in a small town (25 kids in my class) with people from around the world, and I always made friends through sports (I was a great all-around athlete once I moved to the USA for high school) or through work mostly. But I still consider myself social and I always introduce myself at gatherings/events (I work in business development in Latin America so I have to be social!) and I try to get the story out of more shy individuals and get them to talk. People who know me well don't believe me when I say I am shy. I don't know if I'm really shy, but it's more of a habit or behavior developed over the years due to depression and other factors since I was in middle school.

SUCCESS WITH WOMEN -- STATS
Growing up I'd say that girls were attracted to me because I was good-looking (I’ve done some modeling/acting in my travels abroad), tall, an athlete, nice guy, smart. But I grew up in a conservative muslim country, and between 3 of my best friends I think they’ve been with maybe 6-10 girls total to date. So I never had the model to learn from in terms of pickup growing up. To make it worse, I am very picky and am into curvier women.

However, I've now been with 62 different women (most multiple times), 50 or so of those from the beginning of 2014 until present. I was living in another conservative muslim country for a few years before that (I got a blowjob from my Arabic tutor though) and had to get it out of my system when I got back to the USA!

I keep a spreadsheet, and about 60%+ of those 62 are first night lays and I F-close 65% of all first-dates eventually (sometimes she’s on her period so I just get a BJ, some only sex when in love, and sometimes my travel schedule interferes). I cum in the mouth of 45% of first dates and 75% eventually. I should say that 90%+ of girls in recent years are from apps like Tinder or OK Cupid. Girls' ages range from 19-35 in recent years (I am 30). I don't know what other guys' numbers are, but I assume I am doing above average -- but I am still a pussy, even at 30 years old.

I am in Medellin right now and banged 3 girls in first 6 days off of Tinder, but haven't got shit at clubs, bars, etc. and it's supposed to be easy here for gringos.

APPROACH ANXIETY
I still have approach anxiety. I absolutely destroy app game, KILL text game, date game (girls love my stories about my travels to 25 countries, etc.) and have really great results with actual phone call game because I have a nice voice. Of those 62 girls, I don't think I've cold-approached one. Either the girl approached me (I got lucky once where I sat next to some hot chick at a bar on a work trip and she opened me) or my friend opened a girl (he found out some girl spoke Spanish and pulled me over to talk since I speak fluent Spanish) or through social circle game. I've actually never met some girl at a bar/club cold and taken her home (I have met girls in my social circle while at a bar and done this). Finding tipsy girls to take home is supposed to be super easy but I've never done this.

What is kind of weird, is that in some situations I have no problem. For example, any time there is a group of girls at a table at a bar with an empty seat, I will just go and sit down and jokingly act oblivious or say hi. Or my buddy will just say "go talk to that girl" and I'll do it. Or my buddy said we need chicks for this after-party, and I'll get a few numbers just on the street (still a fail for the after-party lol), girls on the bus stop bench (same technique, just sat down next to her), etc. Or I will wing with my buddy to open up a 2-set.

After writing the previous paragraph, I feel like if I am solo, I just don't know what to do but also am socially "lazy”.

REGRET
I am not happy. I feel like this carries into other aspects of my life because 1) I do not feel in control, 2) it makes it worse that I am 30 and have the pick-up game of a high schooler, and 3) I am wasting my potential. I am a fucking pussy.

SOLUTION
I know there is a solution but it must come through hard work and preparation, some Braveheart speech won't do the trick. My previous efforts to improve myself have led me to be well-traveled, physically fit, a semi-pro photographer, multi-lingual (I speak 3 languages fluently), etc. but have had no effect on approach anxiety. And so I obviously must try something different, and rather to try to improve myself to be superman, I must simply accept who I am. Possible solutions:
1) Find a mentor (this is given but I just don't know where)
2) Go to a pickup workshop/bootcamp (I would consider this but it is more costly)
3) Go to therapy (maybe I should do this anyways for self-confidence issues but it is also not very affordable)

I am sure there is some progression like 1) Go out more often, 2) Talk to girls, 3) Open 10 girls every night 3x per week, 4) Daygame open girls 10x per day, etc. I need some advice/recommendations on a practical progression like this because the change won't happen overnight.

So I think I have comfort and seduction game, but just no attraction/approach game.
What steps should I take?
(This post was last modified: 03-27-2016, 03:21 AM by kspaceman.)
03-27-2016, 03:17 AM
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Hicks Offline
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Post: #2
RE: Successful but still have Approach Anxiety
It sounds like you know you can do it and you just don't want that initial level of discomfort. You need to learn to enjoy that and see it as an adrenaline rush. Build up the muscle of seeing a girl you want to fuck and then going up and saying 'hi' before you've had any chance to think through what you're going to do.

I think it also helps to have the mindset of seeing guys who don't cold approach -- especially in clubs -- as pussies. See them as weak and undeserving and know that when you wake up the following morning you have to look yourself in the mirror, and you don't want to be looking at a pussy.

I'm not a fan of saying do X amount of approaches per night as I don't think that's the best way to see it. When I have friends who are struggling to approach we bring in the shot clock. They'll have a few mins (normally 5) to approach, and if they don't do it, they're buying shots for both of us.

If you can open when you're with your buddy then you can do it solo. Maybe just try internalising his voice and see if that helps.
03-27-2016, 05:24 AM
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Zolo Offline
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Post: #3
RE: Successful but still have Approach Anxiety
It sounds like you have the fundamentals, but need to be around like-minded men: ones who encourage each other and give feedback. After that, nothing gets rid off AA like a couple of pints Smile
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03-28-2016, 06:18 AM
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kspaceman Offline
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Post: #4
RE: Successful but still have Approach Anxiety
I think "training partners" would be great. For support and to push me, but also just to see how it's done. I have some friends who are great at opening women but I never hear what they when they open, so I'm not sure how it's done.

I always imagine myself daygame approaching a chica and saying, "Hey. You're cute, what are you up to today?" with a big smile. Direct and friendly, like a lot of the pranksters on Youtube. But then when I'm out, I literally cannot smile, my mouth tenses up. This happened before when I did a modeling test shoot, my cheeks were shaking when they made me smile for this close-up shot. I couldn't be myself/express my true self.

OTHER POINTS
I should say that my Tinder/OK Cupid dating wasn't all for naught, because I feel totally comfortable on dates (it probably took about 10 dates to get comfortable really). So I don't feel like I've wasted time but I just worked on my game at one end of the spectrum, however, after a certain point it is time to develop my approach game. App dating improved some part of my confidence, and I'm sure almost all of my dates think I'm an extremely confident guy; sometimes, with enough texting or phone calls before hand, I'll meet a girl for a first date and say "kiss me" and we make out on first sight. It's worked great probably 3-5 times. I'm like a shark smelling blood, when I know a chica is attracted to me then it's done.

However, someone who can cold-approach without fear has true confidence. They have NO EGO and don't worry about the outcome. I worry too much about random things, and as a result, sure, I do well on my dates, but can't approach a girl to save my life. At this point, I would get more satisfaction of getting 20 out of 100 girls' phone numbers off of the street rather than F-closing 9 out of 10 Tinder dates.
03-30-2016, 06:49 AM
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kspaceman Offline
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RE: Successful but still have Approach Anxiety
So, I'm in Colombia right now, and brought 2 girls home last night, at different times. Both first dates: blowjob from one, banged the other (I got her number at a club, Whatsapped her for a few days and she came straight to my apartment since it was her only night off). But tonight, I went out to a party run by my salsa school. All the teachers are hot!

I danced and stuff but still couldn't proactively approach anyone to ask to dance. I even left early because I felt uncomfortable standing there. I need to fix this shit because this is pathetic.
(This post was last modified: 04-07-2016, 04:06 PM by kspaceman.)
04-07-2016, 04:04 PM
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Apollo Offline
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Post: #6
RE: Successful but still have Approach Anxiety
Instead of fixing it you might just try to go around the issue. I have AA as well unless I had a few drinks already. One way I deal with this is putting myself in situations where you HAVE a reason to talk to and engage another female, shopping for something, asking for information, going to a salsa class (can't believe you didn't manage to start up a conversation), meeting them at work, OR, and this is harder, make her come to you through flirting, eye contact a smile here and there... Some girls actually will find you cute for being shy to approach. You don't have to stress over it, play to your strengths.
04-07-2016, 06:18 PM
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kspaceman Offline
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RE: Successful but still have Approach Anxiety
I could be almost blackout drunk and still have AA. I chatted extensively with some cool dudes there actually (one specifically will be a great wingman for me), and then with a salsa teacher. She asked me to dance, we danced but didn't talk so much, she only said she loved the photos I took of one of the other teachers. I felt a vibe from a few of the teachers that, "Okay, I need to be nice to these gringos to get them to keep taking classes" but they seemed kind of fake and not very open to being social. Hot as fuck though.

I used to live in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, and it was relatively far easier to open girls for me than in Colombia, or at least there were way more IOIs. I just can't seem to find my rhythm here, don't know what it is.
(This post was last modified: 04-07-2016, 11:47 PM by kspaceman.)
04-07-2016, 11:43 PM
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Hicks Offline
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Post: #8
RE: Successful but still have Approach Anxiety
You just need to force yourself to do it. You can't rely on others. If you don't want it enough then you won't end up doing it. It's not necessarily unnatural or a bad thing to feel anxiety when you're going to approach girls, but letting that anxiety stop you makes you a bit of a bitch (I mean that in a way that should motivate you rather than trying to flat out insult you). Any single man who doesn't cold approach is doing himself a disservice.

And the more you do it, the easier it gets. You just need to take the first steps and start building that momentum. In a few months you'll look back and laugh at the time you felt crippled by AA, and you'll be glad you started approaching.

Also, don't wait for IOIs. The guys that do that are normally the insecure ones who are willing to sacrifice quality in order to pursue the easiest option. That attitude is the antithesis of a successful mindset.

Good luck in your approaches.
(This post was last modified: 04-08-2016, 12:35 AM by Hicks.)
04-08-2016, 12:33 AM
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Rick91 Offline
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Post: #9
RE: Successful but still have Approach Anxiety
For me if I have a night out in the west I often have to force myself but if I'm in a easy country I just don't have an issue with it for the most part at all regardless of how hot they are. I just don't care it's actually really fun when your in the mood after some drink.
04-08-2016, 02:39 AM
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Apollo Offline
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Post: #10
RE: Successful but still have Approach Anxiety
(04-07-2016, 11:43 PM)iamkaisersoze Wrote: She asked me to dance, we danced but didn't talk so much, she only said she loved the photos I took of one of the other teachers. I felt a vibe from a few of the teachers that, "Okay, I need to be nice to these gringos to get them to keep taking classes" but they seemed kind of fake and not very open to being social. Hot as fuck though.

Noooooo, dude she opened the door for you, she wanted to be photographed!!!!! Excellent excuse to get her number and organize a photo shoot with her in some romantic location. You had it....

And stop being so negative about what they think about gringos, those remarks/thoughts are self-defeating. Also I think you will benefit from a good wingman/mentor in the game.
(This post was last modified: 04-11-2016, 04:48 PM by Apollo.)
04-11-2016, 04:46 PM
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Balls2thewall Offline
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Post: #11
RE: Successful but still have Approach Anxiety
I believe it is different strokes for different folks, and everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. I personally only found my mojo later on and have scored at least double as many closes in my 40's, than my 30's and 20's combined. I believe you should play to , and and milk your strengths. And on your weaker areas, see it as an opportunity to practice, and confront those fears.
04-14-2016, 09:11 PM
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TideRide Offline
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Post: #12
RE: Successful but still have Approach Anxiety
^^^Is that name from the song from metal song in the 80s?

OP-
Have you tried an approach anxiety program? Good Looking Loser has a good one for free but it's geared more towards American girls.

Where are you based out of/approaching girls at?
04-15-2016, 02:41 PM
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calamansi Offline
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Post: #13
RE: Successful but still have Approach Anxiety
One way to look at it Kaiser, is to make it a game with yourself and PLAN to crash and burn. Obviously, you have set yourself some rules because you can just do that by being really rude within a second. But if you play the game "OK, I'm going to see how fast I can crash & burn without being rude or weird", then it becomes quite a bit harder. Anyway, make it a game with yourself where to goal has nothing to do with scoring her approval. Then change the rules and the goal little by little till you feel fine with it.
04-18-2016, 02:35 PM
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